I've had a new buddy lately. Anxiety. Anxiety has been sticking close to me and I've had some very dark days. I've fallen face-down before God and pleaded for peace and joy. (Note to self: don't fall face-down in the bathroom again unless you've cleaned it first...ick. )
This came out of nowhere and hit me hard. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry all day. I totally did NOT want to do anything. God knew I would need help during this time so He created Jacob, our second born son. Jacob caused me to think about someone other than myself and to get out and do things. Hubby Greg also helped me get through this.
Today, I feel.... happy! I have been productive: went to church, treated Jacob and myself to lunch at Avanti's, went to the library book sale and bought a bagful of books for a shut-in who I deliver to, cleaned our closet, picked up the dog poop in the back yard, made cookies, and am in the process of doing laundry and making supper. Whew!!
But...I have got to tell you about God and His amazing sense of humor! You're gonna love this! Sometimes He and I just have a good ol' belly laugh together and I love it! This is one of those times. I hope I can convey the story properly in "print".
One day last week while I was delivering medicine for work, I was driving around town praying. Out loud. I was talking to God about my anxiety and all the things that are heavy on my heart right now. I have this "secret" plan for my life. A plan that I had hidden from God. Because we all know we want GOD'S will for our lives, not OUR OWN....right?? Riiight. I tell God I want HIS will and HIS plan for me but do I really?? I have to constantly give my life to HIM. It's a struggle against my own wishes! And believe it or not...I can be stubborn!! Hehe!
Alright, so I'm driving around and I decide to "come clean" and tell God my "secret" plan for my life. I lay it all out. God, here's how I would like to see my life go from here on out.... (God probably had a great laugh at that one!) Here's my (partial) list:
A promotion for Greg so he'll be happy at work and will get a raise and a company gas card. (the gas for his commute is KILLING us!)
A full-ride scholarship for Jacob to Wheaton
Donations over and above what is needed for Ben's internship in Czech
My anxiety to go away
and on and on I went.
Then, as I am listing off my wants like a spoiled ungrateful brat, I hear the music on the radio start to filter through my brain. It was Francesca Battistelli singing....
"I’m letting go.. Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go"I just laughed and laughed!! I said, "God! You are hilarious!!" And we both laughed! Leave it to God to gently and musically remind me that my plans mean nothing and I truly DO want what God has planned for me. Oh, I just LOVE Him!
And He loves me.
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. " ~Psalm 94:19
